April 11th, 2008

Dexter & Stagg
  • tmfiii

Public Service Announcement

Every now and then we here at the Den would like to pass on useful bits and pieces of knowledge that we've garnered to help you faithful readers along in your pursuit of cocktilian bliss.  Sometimes these bits and pieces come from things we've read or discussed with others in the cocktail universe.  Sometimes they come from trial and error on our part.  This PSA is of the latter, much to my chagrin.

First, understand that I'm a single guy living in a large metro area.  My kitchen isn't the largest around and currently at least half of the entire kitchen (shelf space, fridge space, counter-tops, etc.) is dedicated to the cocktail arts.  It's actually a beautiful, if often mis-understood thing.  Second, because I'm a single guy, some things that I tend to buy go bad very quickly, or more appropriately, I simply can't eat them fast enough before father time and mother bacteria have their way.  Most of these items are fruits, veggies, diary and eggs.  Now I enjoy a good cocktail using eggs, but 4/6ths of the time, the eggs reach their prime before I've had a chance to use them.  Oh well, it happens.

I was shopping one day when I stumbled into the Kosher section and found a product that I thought, "Hey let's buy this and see what it's all about."  That product would be dried kosher egg whites.  Hmmm . . . you add some to warm water and stir for 2.6897 minutes, according to the strangely specific instructions, and VOILA! you have an egg white.  Throw it in  your mixing tin and off to the races.

And now, your Scofflaw's Den Public Service Announcement:

FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY AND RIGHT IN THIS WORLD DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

This was some bad mojo!!!  First of all, the powered "egg" doesn't really "mix" with warm water.  It kind of sits there and forms a goop.  Yes, a goop.  That is really the only way I can describe it and convey the appearance/texture.  Oh, and it foams.  Yes, foamy goop.

Second, it smells.  Not eggy and not quite sulphury.  A smell somewhere between the two that was concocted within the depths of Hell most likely from whatever washed out of Hitler's dirty underroos.  (And yes, considering this is a Kosher product should be viewed as double damning!)

Finally, this hell created stench contaminates everything it touches.  The little mixing bowl (check), the mixing glass (check), the mixing tin (check), the hawthorn strainer (check), the sink after I pour out the ruined drink (check) and the garbage disposal that almost threw it up back at me (check).  I happened to have the dish detergent that has the bleach alternative in it.  Yeah, it took two washings of everything to get the stench out.  

So I came away with a ruined drink and a boat load of knowledge to pass along.  Please learn from my mistakes.  Use fresh egg whites.  Maybe the egg whites you can buy in a paper carton, but I haven't tried those and therefor can't vouch for them.

This has been a Public Service Announcement from The Scofflaw's Den.

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